The Initiating Response #17

So, I'm going for a two-fer tonight as this one girl really takes the cake in terms of pure air-headedness. I probably wouldn't seek such vengeance in blog form, but because she was particularly hostile and nasty to me, I feel obliged to offer her the same courtesy. So, here's my tribute to you, bitch. <== Go here to see said bitch.

To give you some background on the following messages, this girl listed the book Speak as one of her favorites, offered a correction to one of the match questions she filled out on there about her believing homosexuality to be a sin (she doesn't believe it is, hence the correction (which I guess she isn't aware you can change your answers?)), and talked about possibly meeting up for coffee and paninis.

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Mar 4, 2012 – 9:10pm

Speak... I actually remember seeing the Lifetime film adaptation of that book... I liked it. I thought it was very emotionally grabbing.

Also, you should feel ashamed to think Homosexuality is a sin. ASHAMED. I don't even know why I'm talking to you right now.

:P

P.S.: I will go to a cafe with you, but a panini? Why would I want a sandwich with my coffee? Ew. EWW. 

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She responded:

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Mar 4, 2012 – 9:30pm

Speak is a very good book, the movie disappointed me.

Also, you should feel like an idiot to believe that I think homosexuality is a sin because you clearly didn't read though all of my about me. I clearly stated that I answered "yes" on accident.

And yes, a panini. And no, I won't go with you. 

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I responded back:

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Mar 4, 2012 – 9:38pm

Yeah... I know it was an accident. I was being sarcastic. 

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She did not respond back.

The Initiating Response #16

Sometimes these emails just vomit out of my fingers and into the keyboard, which under normal circumstances would cause a short circuit to occur, because the liquidity of the stomach bile mixed with... well, you all know how vomit works... but this one just produced laughter... from me, mainly.

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Mar 4, 2012 – 1:16am

You missed a golden opportunity to rhyme your clitoris with your wits in your "Six Things" section. You could have gone for Clits and Wits, but I guess that's a bit more "headline-y" than you were going for.

EXTRA, EXTRA: GUY EMAILS GIRL, HITS ON HER CLITS AND WITS.

How big are these tits, exactly? I feel like every girl I go out with has at least DD's. Either that's some incredible lucky streak or there's some correlation to a girl's tit size and my own self-confidence.
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Mar 4, 2012 – 1:23am

Damn, just now thought of "TITS, CLITS AND WITS"... I suck.
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This girl did not respond.

And just to clear something up, although I'm sure this won't catch on, this blog is called The Initiating Response, not "That's What He Said." I just put that up there because this blog is about what I fucking said... and I'm a boy. Hence "He." 

Thank you, my adoring fans that I'm fabricating entirely out of my own delusions of grandeur.

The Initiating Response #15

Q: What is your position on hunting? 
A: I do not approve of hunting at all. 
Explanation: “I only approve if there are no other viable means of sustenance available. ” 
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Like in that movie, The Edge, with Anthony Hopkins and Alec Baldwin. They were lost in the wild and there was a crazy, man-eating bear on the loose trying to kill them! The black guy died, of course. He was the pilot of the helicopter or something. I think he was on Oz... Anyway, Anthony Hopkins killed the bear and Alec Baldwin died in the snow or something. It was a good movie. :D

The Initiating Response #14

Starting this up again because... what the hell.

On OkCupid, they have a feed where you can observe all the latest activity from people around your area; photos they uploaded, addendums to profiles and match questions they answered. The questions are used to match people up with one another on the site, but what's great is that you can explain and justify your chosen multiple choice answer. This was one girl's admittedly awesome explanation:

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Q: Can a person be too cheerful? 
A: Yes 
Explanation: “Anyone seen Parks and Rec?”
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Now, what's great is you can use these feed stories as conversation starters and email them about their activity. I happen to love Parks and Recreation, and I immediately thought of clever response to her question that only an avid watcher of the show would get.

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Knope. I have not. 
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She didn't respond back.

The Initiating Response #13

Jan 8, 2012 – 3:37pm

Hey there... I could be a friend to you.

Probably not the best idea to open with a quazi-rape-centric reference from The Shawshank Redemption.

Jamie

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I'll make this one a twofer. In this next response to a girl named Rachel (name of my 2nd ex, by the way), I must have been high on caffeine or something. Maybe tripping on my own emotional juices. Whatever the reason, no one in their right mind would respond to this... which is exactly what I'm looking for; a sane person just crazy enough to laugh at and then respond to this... which she didn't.

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Rachel Rachel Bo Bachel, Banana Fanna Fo Fachel, Me Mi Mo Machel... RACHEL!!

Sups. Princess Bride is the shit. Quote it ayeeday (everyday).

Forgive me. I am spontaneously literary and ghetto at different intervals. I'm a bit unpredictable, but I'm fun. :)

BOW....... BOW WOW WOW WOW WOW... BA DOW BA DOW BA BOW BOW WOW... That's a Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers song, by the way. I hope you were impressed.

Jamie

The Initiating Response #12

This girl had a few pictures up in her profile that instantly brought images to mind. One where she was wearing, like, underwear next to some hay, another with a guy in the background, inexplicably, some weird effects on some of the photos (as a lot of OkCupid-goers are wont to do), and then I responded to some of the things she posted on her summary of herself, namely her self-profession of being an ace at air hockey and her mentioning that kiwis tickle her mouth when she eats them. Pretty great stuff, but one of the more random profiles I've seen.

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Jan 8, 2012 – 3:47pm

Why are you in a barn?

Why is that guy in the rape stance position?

What's with the photo filters?

Why are you so hot?

These are the things I think about.

I can totally beat you at air hockey... or lose woefully. I'm all or nothing, usually.

You can peal kiwis.

Jamie

The Initiating Response #11

I feel it's necessary to highlight how I usually email girls that I'm interested in on OkCupid. I think people might get the wrong idea about me and how I generally act toward people on there, which I guess I could care less how people perceive me, personally... However, I want the purpose of these blogs to be transparent: THESE ARE JOKE EMAILS. I never send them with any expectation that they'll get a response, which is why it doesn't hurt me to post publicly.

That being said, here's one of my typical well thought-out responses. Yes, I got a response to this one, however many of these kinds of emails do not. Yes, it makes me sad:

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Jan 2, 2012 – 4:05pm

Hey there. Totally agree with you on Twilight, Lady Gaga, rap, country, westerns... Wow, the list goes on. Haha.

Speaking of things that are funny, I laughed out loud at the "that's what she said" joke. Should be played out by now, but I guess I just wasn't expecting it. :P

Beetlejuice is one of my all-time favorite movies, but Tim Burton has really dropped off since then. I think he started getting bad after Big Fish. That was his last great movie, I think. I'm kind of a movie buff, so I enjoy talking about such things. :)

I see that you like carbs. Do you like bagels? I effing love them. With some peanut butter and some iced coffee. Really makes my mornings. :) Got any morning rituals of your own?

Also, I'm not going to be cocky enough to say that I can mend your broken heart, but I'd sure as hell try my best. :P I'm Jamie, by the way.

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See? I can be a nice guy.