The Initiating Response #13

Jan 8, 2012 – 3:37pm

Hey there... I could be a friend to you.

Probably not the best idea to open with a quazi-rape-centric reference from The Shawshank Redemption.

Jamie

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I'll make this one a twofer. In this next response to a girl named Rachel (name of my 2nd ex, by the way), I must have been high on caffeine or something. Maybe tripping on my own emotional juices. Whatever the reason, no one in their right mind would respond to this... which is exactly what I'm looking for; a sane person just crazy enough to laugh at and then respond to this... which she didn't.

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Rachel Rachel Bo Bachel, Banana Fanna Fo Fachel, Me Mi Mo Machel... RACHEL!!

Sups. Princess Bride is the shit. Quote it ayeeday (everyday).

Forgive me. I am spontaneously literary and ghetto at different intervals. I'm a bit unpredictable, but I'm fun. :)

BOW....... BOW WOW WOW WOW WOW... BA DOW BA DOW BA BOW BOW WOW... That's a Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers song, by the way. I hope you were impressed.

Jamie

The Initiating Response #12

This girl had a few pictures up in her profile that instantly brought images to mind. One where she was wearing, like, underwear next to some hay, another with a guy in the background, inexplicably, some weird effects on some of the photos (as a lot of OkCupid-goers are wont to do), and then I responded to some of the things she posted on her summary of herself, namely her self-profession of being an ace at air hockey and her mentioning that kiwis tickle her mouth when she eats them. Pretty great stuff, but one of the more random profiles I've seen.

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Jan 8, 2012 – 3:47pm

Why are you in a barn?

Why is that guy in the rape stance position?

What's with the photo filters?

Why are you so hot?

These are the things I think about.

I can totally beat you at air hockey... or lose woefully. I'm all or nothing, usually.

You can peal kiwis.

Jamie

The Initiating Response #11

I feel it's necessary to highlight how I usually email girls that I'm interested in on OkCupid. I think people might get the wrong idea about me and how I generally act toward people on there, which I guess I could care less how people perceive me, personally... However, I want the purpose of these blogs to be transparent: THESE ARE JOKE EMAILS. I never send them with any expectation that they'll get a response, which is why it doesn't hurt me to post publicly.

That being said, here's one of my typical well thought-out responses. Yes, I got a response to this one, however many of these kinds of emails do not. Yes, it makes me sad:

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Jan 2, 2012 – 4:05pm

Hey there. Totally agree with you on Twilight, Lady Gaga, rap, country, westerns... Wow, the list goes on. Haha.

Speaking of things that are funny, I laughed out loud at the "that's what she said" joke. Should be played out by now, but I guess I just wasn't expecting it. :P

Beetlejuice is one of my all-time favorite movies, but Tim Burton has really dropped off since then. I think he started getting bad after Big Fish. That was his last great movie, I think. I'm kind of a movie buff, so I enjoy talking about such things. :)

I see that you like carbs. Do you like bagels? I effing love them. With some peanut butter and some iced coffee. Really makes my mornings. :) Got any morning rituals of your own?

Also, I'm not going to be cocky enough to say that I can mend your broken heart, but I'd sure as hell try my best. :P I'm Jamie, by the way.

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See? I can be a nice guy.

The Initiating Response #10

Vented a little tonight to this one girl. Feeling a bit vindictive. Now I'm actively antagonizing people in an effort to counteract people's apathy toward my well-intentioned emails. No, I don't believe this will solve anything, so don't ask.

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Jan 6, 2012 – 5:44pm

Really? I'm pretty sure you could do without your Macbook Pro. What did you do before you had one of those? Just not exist?

Also, when I look for compatibility with girls and weigh pros and cons, I never put hula-hooping into either category.

Good luck finding a guy. Oh wait, we outnumber you 5:1... so I guess you don't need luck.

Jamie